5:58 am: The Dream That Didn't take off

I stayed awake that night, unable to close my eyes, my mind tangled with hope and fear. My phone was glued to my palm, the faint glow of the screen lighting up my tired face in the dark room. Every time the clock ticked closer to 6 a.m., my heart raced faster. This was it - the moment I had poured my heart into, the moment that would define the future I had so carefully imagined. The moment that would give me hope for the dream I had dreamt for nine years. 

By 5:58 a.m., the notification buzzed. My fingers trembled as I tapped it open, my breath caught somewhere between anticipation and dread. The tension was too much to bear mentally. And then I saw it. "We regret to inform you..." The words hit me like a brick, each syllable puncturing the fragile bubble of hope I had built. My vision blurred as tears welled up, spilling over onto my cheeks, hot and relentless. I blinked, hoping I’d misread, hoping the words would rearrange themselves into a miracle.

I sat there frozen, my knees drawn up to my chest, my hands shaking. What had I done wrong? How could the future I had dreamed of so vividly crumble in an instant? I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. The silence in the room felt louder than any sound I had ever heard. Who could I even tell? How would I find the words? Is it really true? 

I stared at the email, refreshing it repeatedly as if a different message would suddenly appear. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe they sent the wrong mail. Maybe another email is on its way, a better one, the real one. I clung to these delusions as if they were the last threads of my sanity, but the cold light of the morning began to seep through my window, reminding me that the world hadn’t stopped turning, even if mine had.

The hours that followed felt like walking through a fog, each step heavier than the last. My face, puffy and streaked with tears, stared back at me in the mirror - eyes red, hollow, searching for answers that wouldn’t come. Frustration bubbled beneath the surface, threatening to erupt. I wanted to scream, to smash something, to demand an explanation from a faceless entity that had decided I wasn’t good enough. I instantly became so weak, suddenly felt like I should already give up, I suddenly could not talk, I was scared and worried about people that hopes for me, the bit of mental sanity I had left from preparation suddenly vanished, I thought I was crazy, I could not think properly, I could not concentrate on anything, I found myself always smiling instead but deep down, it felt like a sharp knife cutting slowly into my heart. I was angry but why was I smiling? 

What hurt the most was the quiet - the absence of the future I had so carefully planned. The plans I had made now felt like cruel jokes. Why did I believe in this so much? Why did I think I could be one of the few chosen? Anger mixed with despair, a bitter cocktail I didn’t know how to swallow.

Days passed, and though I was coping better now, the weight of that rejection still sat heavily on my chest. Some days, it felt like I was carrying a mountain. I felt tired, bone-deep tired - not just physically, but emotionally, mentally. Hope, that once-shining beacon, had dimmed into a flicker, barely visible on the horizon of a future I no longer recognized. 

But even now, I ask myself: What’s next? Do I give up? Or do I find another way? The answers don’t come easily. I’m still piecing myself together, still trying to believe that one rejection doesn’t mean the end. But in the quiet moments, when no one is watching, the doubts creep in. And I wonder, will I ever find the strength to dream again?

I found my answer recently. Should I just give up? Or should I just completely have no emotions towards anyone or anything. The more I feel an emotion towards a particular thing, the more disappointed I am. So should I just not care? Should I just be alone and like nobody or nothing? Should I just keep being forced to do what I don't want to do? Should I just keep ignoring the physical and emotional harm, pain and trauma I suffered since? 

The answer is: I will give it all up. I won't care or like or dislike anything.