He Kissed Her While I Was Healing

I never expected my heart would end up in the hands of someone who would destroy it with a smile on his face. My name is Isabelle. 

Let’s call him Daniel.

We met last August, just before the start of the fall semester. We were both international students in the same program. Same major, same department, even shared two courses together. He was charming in that quiet, boyish way that didn’t try too hard. I wasn’t looking for anything, not then. But somehow, he slipped past every wall I had. Before I could blink, we were inseparable.

Late-night study sessions turned into inside jokes. Inside jokes became long phone calls. Then the calls turned into slow walks back to the dorms under streetlights. It was the way he looked at me, like I was the only person in the world. It was the way we both found out we we're crazy and loved each other that way. It was the way he called me “babe” when he thought I was asleep. The way he would video me because he thought I was "cute" whenever I fell asleep in class. I didn’t say it at first, but I knew what was happening to me. I was falling. He knew it too.

By November, we were already closer than most couples I knew. We weren’t official, but we both knew what we were doing. He started calling me babe. I’d catch him staring at me in class like he couldn’t wait for the lecture to end so we could be alone. We were giving each other green lights left and right. We didn’t have to say we had feelings, our actions screamed it. The chemistry between us was loud. Intense. Real.

Then in early December, it happened. I kissed him while his eyes were closed. Just once, softly on the lips. Not a French kiss. He didn’t pull away. In fact, he stayed still like he had been waiting all his life. It was confirmation of everything we had both been feeling, and from that moment on, I believed - with all my heart - that we were heading toward something serious.

We left for the semester break just a few days later. Around mid-December, I had to undergo a medical procedure that kept me away longer than expected. It wasn’t just physical pain I was dealing with. Emotionally, I was drained. I was scared. I felt fragile. Vulnerable. I kept messaging him, letting him know how much I missed him, how I couldn’t wait to be back. He said the same things back. He told me to rest and recover. He checked up on me. Comforted me. Reassured me. Little did I know that while I was lying in bed, hurting and trying to heal, he was out there betraying me.

It wasn’t until late March, just a week after I had finally returned to campus, that I found out. I had been walking down the hallway in our academic building when I overheard two girls chatting behind me. One of them laughed and said, “Isn’t it the same place where Daniel and Zoey kissed during winter break?” My stomach dropped. Mind you, this was already when we were official. After our first full make out session few days ago, I heard this. 

At first, I tried to convince myself it had to be another Daniel. Or maybe it was an old story. Or maybe, somehow, it was just a joke. But something about the way my body reacted told me the truth before I was ready to admit it. I suddenly remembered how he always fantasized about Zoey, the popular YouTuber in our school. My throat dried up. My chest got tight. I was shaking like I was cold, even though it was hot outside. My heart started pounding so loudly I thought people could hear it. I felt dizzy, like the ground was crumbling underneath me. It was like everything inside me screamed, “Please don’t let it be true,” while already knowing that it was.

Later that evening, I texted him. My hands were trembling as I typed. I didn’t want to accuse him. I just wanted him to tell me it wasn’t true.

But it was.

And he told me casually. Like it was nothing. Like it didn’t matter. No apology. No guilt. No regret. Just a cold confirmation: “Yeah, we hooked up during the break. It didn’t mean anything.”

It didn’t mean anything.

Those four words broke me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I stood there in the corridor, shaking, crying so hard I almost threw up. The betrayal hit me like a train. This wasn’t just someone I had feelings for. This was someone I had trusted with my most vulnerable self. And while I was away, scared, healing, and trusting him while he led me on, he went and gave himself to another girl because he was “confused” That’s what he said later. That it was “just a moment,” that he “was just confused,” and it was with a girl who “initiated the kiss"

 Those words kept ringing in my ears. Worse of all, he lied to me that the girl was just a YouTuber, earlier, before I found out about this. I remember his birthday, the letters and gifts I gave to him, how he embraced it, laughed, smiled and hugged me. 

He let me kiss him and then ran into the arms of another girl just because she was available after class. Just because she was pretty and known on YouTube. Just because he could. And after it all, he smiled at me every day like nothing happened. He led me on. Lied to me. Pretended to care. Made me believe I was still special. What a useless whore. Easy boy he is. 

The worst part? After I confronted him, I kept talking to him.

I didn’t want to lose what we had, or what I *thought* we had. So I tried to move on, to act like it didn’t hurt as much as it did. But it did. God, it did. I felt like a fool. I hated myself for still wanting him. I hated myself for being weak. For being loyal. For being faithful to someone who couldn’t even wait.

During April. We kissed again, and this time, it went deeper. But every time his lips touched mine, I could only see hers. Every time he smiled at me, I wondered if he smiled the same way when he touched her. I couldn’t unsee it. I couldn’t unfeel it. The betrayal lived inside my chest like a ticking bomb. I felt like complete shit, irritated. "Oh what a manipulator he is" I kept thinking. 

I was angry. I was disgusted. I felt dirty, used, cheap. I felt like an idiot who gave her whole heart to a boy who saw it as a toy. I kept thinking, am I that worthless? Was I just a warm body until someone better came along? Did he even think about me while he kissed her? Did he ever stop to think, “What if this breaks her?” I guess not.

To make it worse, he told me I had no reason to be angry. That I should "let it go." That I was “overreacting.” He even told me I was “just bringing up the past and had no reason to be angry again.”

He kept saying “I’m sorry.” But honestly, those words feel empty now and only.ake me angrier because few months have passed already and I still think he is a liar. He’s never shown even a hint of remorse. It’s like in his mind, I should’ve moved on by now. But how can I, when *he never stopped to understand what he did?* "she is just a YouTuber" oh what a liar!!! 

The insecurity eats me alive. When I see her name, my stomach turns. When I come across Zoey's videos on my YouTube feed, I feel worse and inferior. When I hear his voice, I feel like vomiting. When I see him laughing, I want to scream. Because he walks around like nothing happened while I carry the weight of it every single day. Worse of all? I've not even left the relationship yet. 

Sometimes, I dream that he leaves me for her. I wake up shaking. Crying. Terrified. And still, he doesn’t know how deeply this cut me.

Every time I look at him, I wonder: if he could betray me once, what’s stopping him from doing it again? I tell myself, once a cheat, always a cheat. I repeat it in my head like a prayer. Like maybe if I say it enough, I’ll believe it and walk away.

But I can’t. Not yet.

And that makes me feel like a hypocrite. I’ve always said people should never stay with cheaters. I used to say, “Run at the first red flag.” I usually say "prioritize your own mental health and leave immediately." But here I am, sitting still with all the red flags waving around me like a damn parade.

I feel like trash. Like total trash.

The part that hurts the most? I gave everything. I opened up. I loved loudly. I believed in him. And he spat on all of it for a few minutes of pleasure with a girl who barely even knew his middle name.

He treated me like an option. Like background noise. Like something that didn’t deserve honesty or dignity. He broke me. And now, he tells me I should be over it and goes on to smile with me each day claiming he loves me with this empty words. Eewww.

But I’m not over it. And I don’t know when I will be.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and this wound won’t ache as much. Maybe one day I’ll look at him and feel nothing once I remember the incident. Maybe one day I’ll stop hating myself for loving someone who couldn’t even see my worth.

But for now, I’m still bleeding. Quietly. Secretly. Loudly, inside. I know I can't heal in the same place I've been hurt. Should I just leave the relationship? No should I make him fall harder for me and then shatter his heart worse than he did to me. I think that's best because honestly, I need him to be more hurt than I am before I'm able to heal. Yes, let me just stay in the relationship, the longer I stay and make him give me his heart, the easier it is to shatter and the worse it will be for him. I have mood swings till today when I remember the incident. I keep feeling like shit especially as I see almost everyone in school hype Zoey. Maybe that's why he kissed her. She's better than me. 

I've not healed, I can't seem to move on. It irritates me that he claims to not do without me or not being able to give me space when he did that to me. Now, every "I love you" or "I care for you" he says even break me more. It feels so empty like a lie because once a cheat, always a cheat. I am a fool for still staying till now, I know. What a useless whore he is, easy asf. Yes, even prostitute. Till today, he still looks at me with those filthy eyes, kiss me with those filthy lips, try to dress to impress more filthy girls, he's garbage. Telling me "I love you" each time and still pretending to care about me with no remorse. I'm not overreacting. The betrayal? I need to pay back. I may be called petty, but I'll stay in this relationship just to ruin him at the cost of my mental health. Let's both be ruined hehe. 

And writing this… because I have no one else to tell. To me, this is not just about cheating, it's about Emotional manipulation, gaslighting, self-worth erosion, a desperate cry for closure, justice or revenge disguised as healing. Then again, that's the thing with betrayal, one person is hurt deeply while the other walks away smiling, just apologizing and giving fake sorries, just so that I can stop talking about it. 

Till today, I'm still insecure. What of if he actually lowkey still talks to her, what of if he'll just casually remember Zoey's kiss and compare it to mine because I'm sure he liked it since he's an easy whore. I know staying in this relationship won't do me any good. He has been asking "how can you heal." I freaking know the answer!!! It's to leave. Because I can't heal in the same environment I was hurt. One day I'll leave the relationship when it's getting worse. I know I'm destroying myself by staying in the relationship but I need her to be depressed. 

This is how I picture their make out session that he claims was "nothing much" and not enjoyable thinking I'm a fool. Daniel calls Zoey after class. Heavy on the Daniel called Zoey, my own partner called Zoey because he's a love-deprived bitch. I'm sure Zoey didn't call him as he's been lying to me. Can you imagine he even lied to me "it just happened"??? So it just happened and coincidentally you guys were alone. This is planned weeks and months before that day I'm sure. While they kissed, they exchanged saliva, he touched her in spots she likes and Zoey went to cloud nine, he runs his hands through her pants and begins to do the deed while still kissing for about 10 minutes. They stopped halfway to ask if they enjoyed it and they both agreed, giggled and continue with the kiss for an extra 8 minutes while touching each other's below. Eewwww. That's how I always replay it. Funny enough, the girl he made out with is a very ugly bitch. You cheated on me with that ugly bitch??? I'm that useless??? The same witch called me a dumfuck and talked about how annoying I am. I guess it's been in his mind all along. Maybe I'm annoyed to an extent but to the point of going around reducing your worth and making out with random girls? I'm sure he can even sleep with someone with STD just because he is " horny" and "confused". Worse of all, he still thinks I'm overreacting till this day, never has he been actually sorry, never has he genuinely felt an ounce of guilt. All he does is pretend to be sorry and to care and to like me. 

What a horny, hollow, fame-thirsty, soul- starved bitch my partner is. May the emptiness he carries echo louder than the moans he gave her. Slut, prostitute, whore, easy target, liar, manipulator, he claims to still like me. Funny because he definitely likes her more. I write like I'm pained because yes!!! I'm in pains, I'm still broken and shattered. I'm sure even the ugliest girl can use and dump him. I'll just do the same. Use him till it's about time, and dump him. I'm not getting hurt alone!!! Let us both be villains.